


Heaven's Closed For What I've Done

by OpaqueXApathy



Category: The Expendables (Movies)
Genre: Character study (sort of), Comfort/Angst, Drug Addiction, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Gap Filler, Horrible at tags, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, M/M, Missing Scene, Past Relationship(s), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, blah more tags, hanging pirates, mentions of Gunnar/Barney
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-30
Updated: 2016-03-30
Packaged: 2018-05-30 00:44:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6400975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OpaqueXApathy/pseuds/OpaqueXApathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Missing Scene/Gap Filler for the extended director's cut version of the plane ride home (through Christmas' perspective) in the first Expendables just after Gunnar decides to hang a pirate. Because Barney's got old wounds that run deep, some have Gunnar's name on them, and Gunnar's actions have reopened a few of the deepest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Heaven's Closed For What I've Done

**Author's Note:**

> I was rewatching the Extended Director's cut of the first Expendables the other night and it blows me away how much of a deeper tone it puts on the whole movie. Specifically the plane ride home scene/montage that was pretty sobering and shed light on a lot of things - including Gunnar's shame over what he'd done. It made them all very human. And if you haven't seen it, you really should watch it. I just got inspired to write a little, tiny bit of a filler for that scene. And maybe I'll even explore more of Gunnar and Barney's history. Because what I touched didn't feel like enough.

The plane was pretty much business as usual, the ride home as quiet as it usually was, but there was an underlying - somber tone in the atmosphere and around all the men on board - no one speaking, no one engaging in conversation. Barney didn’t want to speak to Gunnar and Christmas knew it. And he didn’t want to be near him. Yang certainly wasn’t dealing with it either and he didn’t blame either one of them. They were both hurt and upset. It was why Christmas had checked on Gunnar instead, cutting off the ties on his wrist and quietly accepting Gunnar's wishes for him to keep his knife. A heavy thing to accept with an even more resounding meaning behind it.

Yang had loved Gunnar currently. For the past year or so. Before Christmas, Barney had loved him too. And they had a long, long history. A history that went off and on and spanned a few decades both as lovers and as mercenaries. And Barney didn’t use that four letter word often and neither did he take it lightly.

Christmas knew the history and he had no jealousy. In an odd way, sometimes the four of them would find each other. Christmas cared a great deal for Yang and begrudgingly Gunnar too. The link between the four of them? Barney and Gunnar. There was no point in tearing apart such a long history and Christmas knew that he and Barney were exclusive. And when they weren’t it was always with Gunnar. And Christmas and Yang always knew about it, if they weren’t also involved. There was no sense complicating matters beyond what was. They were grown men after all and for men it wasn’t so complicated. Because they were equally sure of each other and how they felt.

Gunnar... Christmas knew Barney and Gunnar had one simple agreement. No using. Not ever. Not again.

Getting Gunnar sober and clean to join the Expendables had been a fight. Before Christmas, before the entire team had been assembled, Barney had gone to the last original remaining member of the Expendables to start a new team. Gunnar had been so lost in drugs and alcohol that he’d nearly been as bad as he was right now, barely holding on to his perfect assassination record and freelance work mostly in Russia. Barney had fought the fight of getting him back and put it plainly. Never again. Or he was out.

Because Christmas knew Barney loved hard and he loved permanently. Barney had to be screwed over in the worst and deepest way to turn that love off and sometimes even then, the bleak bastard would brood and feel things for years to come. Probably to his grave. Gunnar had put him through hell. Multiple times so Christmas had heard. But cleaning up Gunnar had nearly broken Barney. He’d had to drag the Swede through a lot of pain and suffering and he swore to Gunnar... never again. He couldn’t go through it again and he couldn’t do that again.

And now here they were. Christmas wasn’t making a single quip or joke. And the plane was entirely quiet.

Christmas wondered how Gunnar would hold up now that he’d probably well and truly shoved away the only two people that loved him. Lashing out at Yang had been unacceptable. They knew he’d never hurt Yang but it had been a wake up call. As if hanging a pirate hadn’t been already.

Barney suddenly let out a low, quiet breath that sounded equal parts agitated and resigned and moved to get out of the pilot seat. “Take over.”

“You got it.” Christmas agreed immediately, flipping a few switches and easing the ancient plane into something akin to the first developed autopilot. Practically stone-age technology. But he kept that all to himself when otherwise he would have happily said it out loud because he knew Barney had caved and couldn’t stay away from Gunnar any longer. He cared too much. It had been inevitable. Barney couldn’t help it. Especially as deep as the feelings ran with Gunnar and how long he’d had them.

“Do you want me to go with you?” Christmas asked, more on a whim. And something else.

Barney surprised him by hesitating by the door. “Yeah.” he said quietly. “Yeah I’d like that.”

Now that was a statement or two.

Christmas flipped a few overhead switches as Barney opened the door and called in Ceaser. “Just hold on to the yoke and keep her even. We’ll be back in a sec.”

“No problem.” Ceaser agreed and Christmas eased away from the controls, keeping his hands on them until the very last second and until the heavy weapons expert had them well in hand.

“Got it?” Christmas asked as Ceaser sat down in his seat. “The plane is doing everything. All you have to do is keep it level.”

“I got it.” Ceaser said and if he sounded a little nervous it didn’t show outright. Maybe it showed a little bit in his easy, too easy confidence and the pitch of his voice. But Christmas wasn’t worried. He was fairly certain this wasn’t going to take long.

Christmas dropped a hand onto Ceaser’s shoulder briefly. “We won’t be long.”

“No worries. Take your time.” Ceaser said.

Christmas almost smiled. Almost. He would have if Barney didn’t look gutted and angry and Yang didn’t even look at them as they walked through the plane together - too nonchalant stretched out on the medical stretcher, Toll with his nose in a book. He would have attempted some sort of levity if it wasn’t as quiet as it was right now, strained to be something that was a stubborn pass at normal even though they’d probably just lost a member of the Expendables.

Barney with a small gesture of his hand told him to wait just before the painted canvas that separated the back of the plane from the rest of it. The orange and red macabre skull was muted in the red lights and it was nearly just as dark. Behind it was Gunnar. Where they’d effectively put him on a ‘time out’ from the rest of the group. He was so strung out that he hadn’t fought Barney much. He’d known what he’d done was bad. And it had showed as soon as he’d come down enough to feel ashamed. Gunnar had that ‘kicked puppy’ look down to perfection. It was hard for even Christmas not to feel sorry for him. And he did.

But he was also upset on Barney’s behalf.

“Gunnar.” Barney said quietly, fixing him with a look and putting his hands on his hips.

Christmas lowered his gaze to the floor and stood there quietly. Gunnar couldn’t see him where he was standing but Barney could and that was the point.

There was a sound that almost sounded like a whimper. It was damn close. And Christmas gave a wince, feeling his heart unintentionally tug. There was one thing that could utterly break Gunnar. And that was disappointing or failing Barney. And he’d done that tonight on a catastrophic level.

“Barney I...”

“Don’t.” Barney cut him off, voice just as low. And there was an undercurrent of warning to it. The Expendables team leader fixed Gunnar with a gaze that was unwavering. Demanding. Demanding answers. Demanding why. Barney was hurt. And Christmas raised his eyes to watch him.

Gunnar made another noise that was almost unintelligible. Christmas barely heard it over the plane.

“You know what I said about using.” Barney said quietly.

Gunnar might have nodded. “I deserve it.” he said, his voice breaking a bit at the last.

Barney sighed and dropped his hands from his hips and reached out to put a hand on Gunnar’s forehead. Christmas couldn’t see him do it but he knew Barney was checking him for a fever. Christmas had assumed Gunnar had one, no doubt from the withdrawals or coming down from the meth. Either or both. The Swede had been the only one sweating on the entire plane.

“You’re warm.” Barney murmured.

“Actually feel pretty cold.” Gunnar’s attempt at a joke fell flat. He sounded like he was in pain and mostly of the emotional sort. Barney definitely wasn’t smiling either and Gunnar’s laugh hadn’t lasted long.

“Toll.” Barney called, directing his voice to the front of the plane.

“Yeah.” the man said, standing and putting his book aside.

“Check him for a fever.” Barney said, motioning to Gunnar.

Toll grabbed a small black cargo bag where he kept all of his medical supplies and wordlessly joined them at the back of the plane. He was a gifted medic and Tool could handle anything serious, as a reluctant doctor, if any of them needed something more than just a gifted combat medic. Fortunately those incidents were severely few and far between and usually involved just Barney getting himself shot.

Toll Road took out handheld thermometer, black and standard military issue with a probe attached to a cord and an LCD screen with orange and yellow lighting. It took only a split second to attach a disposable plastic cover over the probe and Christmas glanced up at Barney. The man’s eyes hadn’t left Gunnar yet. And he still looked quietly angry. And disappointed. But there was a concern he couldn’t hide beneath that dark gaze too.

They were all concerned. Gunnar had crossed too many lines tonight but he was still one of theirs. All of the damage, unfortunately, had been centered on Barney and Yang.

“Open up.” Toll murmured quietly. Almost too quiet for Christmas to hear. Gunnar hated doctors. And he could bounce between the mental maturity of an adult to a toddler in a blink. Especially if he wanted to sullenly pout about something or his notoriously deep insecurities were triggered. But despite it all Gunnar didn’t ask for anything. He gave all that he had and sure he could be a pain, but Christmas knew... Christmas knew that Barney’s disappointment and hurt and the anger was the real punishment here. And he wasn’t saying that Gunnar didn’t deserve it either. He did.

It was an unsettling and long moment before Toll spoke again from where he was watching the numbers steadily climb on the screen he was holding from over his glasses. “Yep. One oh three seven. I have to give him something to bring that down.” he said as he took the thermometer probe out of Gunnar’s mouth.

“Do it.” Barney said immediately and just like that most of the anger in his tone was gone. But Christmas could still hear the quietness that spoke volumes. “Should he have a blanket? He said he’s cold.”

“I’ll get him one.”

Barney nodded and momentarily averted his eyes to the roof of the plane. “Dammit Gunnar...”

“Barney I’m-”

“No.” Barney cut him off again, reaching up to rub at his forehead. “Don’t.”

There was a moment of silence and then Gunnar said quietly. "I feel sick."

Barney moved faster than Christmas, grabbing a bucket from a storage locker nearby. He put it between Gunnar's legs and those walls of his were up high, struggling not to look painfully concerned and sympathetic. "Breathe." he said quietly.

Gunnar took a breath, closing his eyes until the feeling passed. And fortunately, whatever he had in his stomach stayed there.

Christmas suppressed a wince and he couldn’t let it drag on any longer. There had to be some healing. It had to start eventually or Barney was going to dig this knife in deep and let it keep twisting and Gunnar was just as capable of doing a lot worse to himself out of the guilt. Christmas wasn’t talking about forgiveness either. If Barney never forgave Gunnar for this, that was his right and Christmas wouldn’t blame him. “Let him apologize.” Christmas said quietly. “He needs to say it even if you don’t want to hear it.”

Barney turned a look on him that might have been a glare. Of course he knew that. Of course he knew Gunnar better than the Swede probably knew himself, more than any of them did. But Christmas just held his eyes in a way that he hoped conveyed he meant no harm. And that he just cared.

Gunnar looked up at Barney with the same eyes he’d given Christmas but there was a lot more meaning there, a lot more depth, and a lot more shame. The big man had a tendency to make himself small a majority of the time and this was no different. He almost looked small, sitting on a bench with his shoulders hunched over and his arms drawn in close to his body, hands between his knees. He was a pathetic sight, hair damp from sweat. He’d lost weight and Christmas could see that now. Suddenly it begged the question of how any of them could have missed this monumental train wreck that was Gunnar.

“Barney I...” Gunnar winced and it wasn’t a bead of sweat that trailed down a well defined cheekbone. “I’m sorry. That’s all I want to say.”

Christmas turned his eyes to Barney and wondered if he’d made the right call. Barney looked about ready to just cave and forgive the man and that wasn’t exactly right either. Christmas didn’t want Barney to fall into a repeating cycle of hurt with the Swede. That’s not what he wanted at all. Christmas made cracks about Barney having a black heart but the truth was the opposite. His heart was too big. Too forgiving.

Barney’s gaze suddenly turned a little hard and indecipherable. But his softened body language gave away what his walls were hiding and he dropped his hands from his hips. “I know.” Barney said quietly.

Toll came back with a drawn up needle and bottle of medication, hands gloved, a bag of IV fluids resting in the crook of an elbow. And the combat medic exchanged a look between the two men but sat down beside Gunnar. “Give me a hand, Christmas?” he said.

“What do you need?” Barney asked.

“I got it.” Christmas said quietly.

Barney had done enough. He’d offered immediately because that was Barney. And this was someone he cared about, someone he’d loved. But enough people had been hurt tonight. And Christmas didn’t want Barney to do more just out of reflex and the goodness of his heart. He already looked like he needed to get away but there wasn’t a lot of space in a plane. So Christmas was stepping forward, putting a hand on Barney’s arm on the way past, before he could argue and giving him a reassuring smile.

But Barney didn’t argue though. He seemed just a little relieved. Probably the closer he got to Gunnar, the more likely he might forgive him. It had only taken an hour for him to cave and to see Gunnar himself after escorting him into the plane handcuffed after the mission. But this... this was wavering dangerously close to something even Barney couldn’t forgive.

“Take the blanket and saline.” Toll told him.

Christmas did and Toll nodded to Gunnar as he pushed the Swede’s shirt up after uncapping the needle. “He can have the blanket.”

“What’s that?” Gunnar asked, Christmas settling the blanket around the bigger man’s shoulders. His shirt and practically all his clothes were damp with sweat. If he had chills that couldn’t be comfortable and definitely explained why he was cold, especially if it was a cold sweat. But the plane was usually a bit on the cool side. Higher altitudes mostly. And Barney’s affinity for relics that shouldn’t be flying anymore.

“Vitamin shot. Or something similar.” Toll hesitated. “Not sure how good you’ve been with the needles you’ve been using.” The sentence itself seemed a bit distasteful when he said it but Toll didn’t show much of that, if anything it was just a twitch beneath his carefully schooled professionalism. That and Toll was the least likely person to judge.

Gunnar’s shoulders slumped a little bit in defeat. And he didn’t have any response. What could he possibly say?

Christmas caught himself with a hand on Gunnar’s arm, smoothing a thumb in firm but gentle strokes over the blanket and took his hand away. It was like Gunnar was impossible not to feel sorry for. He was a decent person. He wouldn’t be an Expendable otherwise because Barney didn’t make any allowances for outright pieces of shit and that was a solid law. Even they had a set of ethics.

“You know what you did was wrong.” Christmas said to Gunnar. He felt like he was talking to a child. A big child who was one of the most ruthless and efficient killing machines he’d ever worked with.

The bigger man nodded, hanging his head a little bit further down. If he felt like he was talking to a child, Gunnar certainly was acting like one.

“You know that includes a firm rule about ‘not hanging pirates’.”

Gunnar gave another sullen nod and Christmas smiled despite himself, his hand falling to the man’s shoulder briefly. And he exchanged a look with Toll, who also shared the smile. But his smile turned a bit more grim before it fell, turning Gunnar’s arm over so that he could put in the IV. And Christmas lost his smile too and Barney... Barney lost his temper.

“Goddammit Gunnar!” Barney’s outburst, and Gunnar flinched, was quick but probably only because he decided to walk away. Running a hand angrily through his hair, he looked like he wanted to punch something but stalked away back to the front of the plane instead. Yang turned his head sharply towards Barney as he walked past but that was all, his gaze nearly straying to the back of the plane. But not quite.

Gunnar’s arms, or at least this one, was a mess. The track marks were reddened and obviously visible and there were just too many of them. He’d obviously been using for awhile. Possibly weeks or months. And obviously it had gotten more than a little out of hand. This wasn’t a ‘small problem’. But they’d known that before. To see it had obviously been the last straw for Barney.

Toll pushed his glasses up and let out a quiet sigh, giving Gunnar a solid look. “This is going to hurt.”

“I know.” Gunnar said, sounding appropriately broken. “Just do it.”

Christmas let his gaze go unfocused as Toll worked, just past Gunnar’s arm. It only took about ten minutes for him to get the IV in and started and he gave him more medication to lower the fever. And once he was settled, they both left him there in the back of the plane. Toll went back to his book, the plane went back to how it had been before, and Christmas rejoined Barney at the front of the plane. And Barney definitely looked more upset, and quietly angry, than he had before.

“You can’t blame yourself.” Christmas said immediately.

Barney raised a hand like he might hit the dash.

“Oh whoa, hey.” Christmas said. “You do that and this whole thing might just fall apart so...” his gaze turned a bit more sympathetic. “Easy, okay?”

Barney lowered his hand and didn’t say anything for a long moment. Christmas watched him closely but tried not to fuss overly much. Barney had accused him of doing that a bit too much, affectionately of course and with some humor - enough to piss Christmas off but the former SAS officer held off. He let Barney have his own space. That head of his was dark. Damn fucking dark. It was enough that Christmas was just there to remind him that he wasn’t alone.

“Gunnar and I met in ‘76.” Barney said quietly, surprising Christmas, who hadn’t expecting him to say anything else. Maybe not for a good twenty four hours although Christmas would drag something out of him if it got anywhere near that long of a stretch. He always did.

“Just after your tour in Vietnam.” Christmas said.

“Yeah. Give or take a couple of years.” Barney considered the darkness outside of the cockpit window for a moment. “I was still working with Special Forces but it was dirty work for the government. Practically mercenary assignments under the guise of ‘serving your country’. Anyway... I was sent in to clear out a Soviet intelligence group. Just a small one set up in the middle east. Get in and out, blow the place and leave. Pretty standard.”

Barney took in a quiet breath. “I cleared most of them out but it was chaos. Somebody had tipped them off, didn’t matter who. I was in some real shit. But I could tell there was something else going on. That’s when I ran into Gunnar. Soviet Spetsnaz. Groomed to be a perfect, mindless killing machine.”

“I thought he was Swedish.” Christmas said.

Barney nodded. “His mother. His father... his father was a cruel bastard. A friend of Stalin. He practically beat the Swedish out of Gunnar.”

Christmas winced. He was guessing Barney meant literally. Which could explain how easily Gunnar sometimes caved to a more strong, paternal leadership.

“We went at it at first.” Barney said. “He was the only thing stopping me from getting out and the mission had already gone to shit. I thought he was going to kill me. At least two inches taller than he is now and three times as big.”

“How did you get out of it?” Christmas asked when Barney paused.

“I didn’t. Gunnar let me go.”

“What?” Christmas frowned. “Why?”

“I started talking to him. Stupid really. He didn’t understand much English back then. But I could tell this... huge, blonde brick wall was smart. Real smart. And there was this prick yelling at him to finish the job and he was the most abusive asshole... I could just see every time Gunnar heard his voice, I could feel him flinch. I could see this pain in his eyes. When he wasn’t busy beating me into the pavement.” Barney hesitated. “I just had this feeling in my gut, you know? I knew I wasn’t going to make it out so I tried to flip him right there, against his country, against the KGB.”

“And it worked.” Christmas smiled, amazed. Barney really was all heart. He did things with conviction. It wasn’t too hard to imagine that even he’d been able to turn around a man programmed to kill and hate him. Period.

“Yeah.” Barney said and even he sounded surprised. After all these years. “I told Gunnar it didn’t have to be like that. I told him he could break free and I’d help him. I told him he didn’t have to be used anymore.” the Expendables team leader lifted a shoulder. “I guess I didn’t want to be used anymore either. Anyway...” Barney drew in a slow breath. “I didn’t know it back then but the drugs had started even all those years ago. The Soviet army had been giving a cocktail of drugs to groups of their soldiers since World War II.”

“Like the Germans with the Nazis.” Christmas said in dumbfounded annoyance. A fact that was hardly myth.

Barney nodded. “Gunnar was dependent. I didn’t know it back then. I had no idea. We met up years later and he was doing real good. We’d both walked away from our governments after that whole mess. I kept my promise and I gave him a life he could have control of. His freedom. And I guess mine too. But I was real lost. I wasn’t doing nearly so good. I don’t know... I felt like I’d lost my sense of purpose, direction. My head was a mess. It was like the army had wired me up like a bomb and I didn’t know how to defuse it. I felt like I was losing it. I couldn’t cope.”

“What happened?” Christmas asked quietly.

Barney shrugged but his eyes suggested something a lot deeper than that casual gesture. “I just lost it. And Gunnar got me out of it. Somehow. He just pulled me through. I knew I loved him, even back then. But it wasn’t something we ever said out loud you know?”

Christmas just nodded, waiting for Barney to continue.

“I found out about the meth around that time. But Gunnar said he had control of it. And it seemed like he did. Made jokes about his chemical engineering degree. I thought he was joking but I didn’t say anything. I knew how smart he was... but Gunnar is real good at playing it off.” Barney’s voice got a little quieter, and a little deeper. “He pulled me out of a really bad place but it felt like a lot more than returning the favor back in that godforsaken desert.”

Barney hesitated. “I guess I never stopped giving up on Gunnar because everyone sees how he is now and I saw how he was back then. You know? He’s not a junkie. He’s not a user. He was a good person. Still is. I guess that’s why I keep...” Barney let his hand fall onto the yoke, a little heavily. “I keep trying. But I don’t know if I can do it again. It hurts more and more each time. And damn that sounds selfish.”

“No it doesn’t.” Christmas said and he meant it. Getting him cleaned up and sober the second time around for the restart of the Expendables, which had led to the team they had now, he hadn’t heard much of. But there was a scar on Barney’s forearm, a deep one. They usually didn’t ask about them. What was the point? It was the nature of their job.

But that scar in particular... Christmas noticed that Barney had a tendency to run a hand or his fingers over it after a bad argument with Gunnar. And he’d asked late one night, after one of those rare arguments or confrontations and Barney had said he’d gotten it trying to clean Gunnar up after a serious fall into meth. He’d had to tie Gunnar to a chair because he was out of his mind and riding out a dangerous high. That would have had an even more dangerous fall. In the middle of a fever craze, Gunnar had broken lose and made a run for it. As high as he was, there was no telling what he was seeing or what imagined threat he was running from. But he’d gone straight for a sliding glass window. And when Barney had tried to stop him, he hadn’t even been able to do anything but get caught up in his momentum. Gunnar was just too big and too strong to be stopped. So they’d both gone through the window. Glass and all.

Barney hadn’t gotten much but that nasty scar but they’d nearly drowned when they’d fallen into a pool.

Getting Gunnar off the meth had been hell. And Barney was allowed to feel that way. Because he’d had to hurt Gunnar quite a bit to save him from himself. Detox wasn’t a painless thing. It especially wasn’t when medical intervention wasn’t done medically and with only what you had.

“What are you going to do?” Christmas asked him.

And Barney said what Christmas knew had to be the answer. “I’m letting him go.”

Christmas leaned back in his seat. “You’re doing the right thing.”

“Doesn’t change how much it hurts.”

Christmas reached over and put a hand on Barney’s leg, giving it a firm squeeze. If anything just to get through to Barney that he wasn’t alone. Not under any circumstances. Not anymore.

Without looking his way, Barney’s hand fell onto the one covering his leg and he gave it a squeeze right back.

And that was all Christmas needed. To know that Barney understood he didn’t have to go it all alone. Because that was infinitely important. Barney had this idea that sometimes he just had to walk alone to spare everyone else and that was the last thing he needed to do. And Christmas was going to stick right by him, annoy him to death if necessary, to remind the man that he was anything but alone. It was the least he could do for Barney did for him and the rest of the Expendables.

And if Christmas could admit it to himself far more than he could out loud... it was the least he could for someone he loved so much.

END


End file.
